Communicating better starts with having the intention to spend regular time together with your partner.
Communicate Better By Setting time aside For Regular Talking
Communicating better starts with having the intention to spend regular time together with your partner.
“Us time” is best achieved by having regular activities or rituals such as going for a walk or sitting on the sofe together when you come home from work. Give yourself time to together.
If you regularly make time to talk then resentments and anger won’t build up.
It might help to follow a structure where one of you talks for 10 minutes about whatever comes up, while the other listens without saying anything. If there is silence – nothing to say, just stay with it for the full 10 minutes. This is followed by 5 minutes feedback which is conversational with you both talking. Then swop over to do 10, 5 the other way.
- Being honest and real with each other can be scary, yet it’s the way to go.
- It’s important to keep a “clean heart” towards each other so if something is bothering you, that makes you feel distant from your partner.Don’t keep it to yourself – share it.
- If you are fearful of having arguments or upsetting each other it’s well worth getting some support to understand your fears. It’s important that you can be true to yourself and express what you feel. If you learn how to listen and negotiate with each other, differences get worked through and don’t lead to arguments.
Prioritise Having A Relationship Instead of Arguing About Who Is Right
- Focus on what you want, rather than arguing over the details of who said what, when, and who is right. Often you both are !
- It doesn’t matter that you see the world differently along as you can agree a way forward that meets both your needs.
- Be curious about what is important to your partner. Respect the things that they say are important, are important to them.
- Remember when you are arguing that deep down your partner wants to connect with you.
There’s Room For “Male Logic” and “Female Feeling”
- Men tend to focus on the content of what is said and argue the details using, ” male logic”;whereas women tend to focus on the feelings underneath – “Female Feeling”. In an argument it can be as if a man and woman are on two different radio channels, wishing the other to tune into their channel.
- Here’s a story that helps explain the differences: In ancient times men would need to go out and hunt. They needed to focus on one thing – the hunt and be direct with each other to work together to survive. Women would be busy child-rearing and keeping the social network together. Survival for the women was about keeping the social harmony . Directness was avoided as it was too confrontational and left them feeling vulnerable of being excluded from the group. They learnt the art of subtle communication where it was only necessary to hint at what was needed and the other women would pick things up without their being any confrontation. What was important was how each person felt and keeping the harmony and connection in the group. In modern times there is still the conditioning of men being validated for their logic and women being validated for their ability to tune in and connect with feeling.
- Men and women both benefit from honouring and appreciating the differences between the genders and realise that we have different life journeys and social conditioning. For many, it’s a massive shift to stop expecting a partner to communicate in the same way they do. Men expect women to be logical and women expect men to pick up indirect signals.
- Men can learn to listen to the feeling and respond with feeling on the “feeling channel” and women can learn to speak directly and with fewer words to men on the “logic channel”.
In Arguments First Seek To Understand
- In an argument you both want to be understood by each other. It’s hard to remember this you are in the heat of an argument.
- Tips for men: It’s hard to stand back a bit and first seek to understand what your partner is trying to say it terms of what they are feeling and needing. Learn to listen to the message underneath the content.
- Show you are listening and understanding by respectfully interrupting your partner by saying,’Let me see if I’m getting this..’ then; repeat back what you have heard ( without adding any judgments or justifications ). You don’t need to agree with what your partner said or question it – first show you are hearing what is said. Check with your partner if they have more to add. Let them finish before responding. You don’t need to repeat back everything, just the key bits. Yes,it can be difficult to do this!
- Often the message sent isn’t the message received. Your partner may feel you are criticising them when that isn’t your intention. Sometimes it’s worth asking them to say back to you what they heard you say. This does need to be sensitively done so your partner understands that your intention is to check that there isn’t any miscommunication rather than your intention is to control or patronise them
- Tips for men- women rarely want you to offer solutions to what they are telling you about, unless they specifically ask. They are wanting you to hear them out.and offer reassurance that you believe they will sort it out.
If You are Stuck and Can’t Communicate
- You might find that you get emotionally triggered despite your best efforts to change how you communicate. This is because of the bonding patterns we learnt from a young age where we decided how safe it is to connect to others. It’s uncanny how couple’s have bonding patterns that trigger off each other.
- Bonding patterns are made up from:
– What you learnt about what it is to be a man or a woman
– What you learnt about relationships
– Your experience of love and conflict in your family
– What you learnt about power and vulnerability - If you find yourself stuck in the same arguments, consider relationship counselling as a way of giving yourself and your partner the support you need to communicate better and feel emotionally closer. You don’t need to figure it all out by yourself.
Tags: Infidelity-Affairs, Marriage Coaching, Testimonials
